Indie Games

My introduction to the concept of Independent Vid Cons came from the one-two combo of Home of the Underdogs, and Scott Sharkey’s 1Up articles. The idea of small, one or two person teams making really great games was exciting to me, because this meant now that I, too, could make my own games without needing to be part of a large company. And that’s what I did for almost three years. I would make small, horrible games (that no longer exist so don’t ask where you can get them) in RPG Maker 2000 and ADRIFT. Doing so allowed me to get out a lot of the teenage-young adult frustration and anger I still had. Making games about my feelings was pretty cool.

Thankfully, other like-minded people with more resources and know-how put together blogs and message boards (this was in a time where “Social Media” was just called “MySpace”) for folks like me to congregate and talk shop. And man, that was so great: getting exposed to other work and other ideas and using all of that as a learning experience not just in game development, but in my day-to-day life.

Of course, all good things must come to an end. Egos grew. Cliques started to form. What started as a way to express yourself in a medium that, at that time at least, hadn’t really done a lot of thoughtful experiences ended up being like every other shitty video game community. Gate keeping and exclusionary assholes telling you what constituted “Indie” and could use their sizable following to make sure you stayed a nobody if they didn’t like you. It was ridiculous, and I had better things to do with my time then make games for people who wouldn’t appreciate them. I could either make something that would be immediately dismissed by some jerk with their head up their ass, or I could play F-Zero GX on Gamecube. I played F-Zero.

That’s how it was for years. From about 2007 to late last year, the only two indie games I played were Digital: A Love Story, and Hotline Miami, the latter of which I was really trepidatious over due to bad memories surrounding Cactus’ rise to prominence.

Fast forward to last year. Some indie devs reached out to me, and asked me to take part in a group project (not the King’s Field one, a different one). I thought that by joining this group, it might make me reconsider my stance on Indie games being shit (hell, as recently as last summer, I literally said that I didn’t consider Twine games to be “real games”). You know, maybe things have gotten better over time! Then Gamergate happened, and were directly responsible for getting that game cancelled. But having bitten by the design bug once again, I thought, fuck it, and struck out on my own.

I was working on some stuff, and having a good time. And then one morning I read on an article on a brand new website. One dedicated to minority voices in games. It was called “Punk Games,” and was written by a woman who has, quite literally, had her life ruined by video games. And despite that, she’s still sticking around and trying to make shit better for the rest of us. It was a great article! I really liked it, and encouraged my audience to read it. I went to work that day with that article fresh in my head, knowing that I would expect to see a terrible shitstorm on Twitter about it. After all, it was written by Zoe Quinn, and there’s still that pesky hate group that wants to kill her out there.

Instead, I got a harsh reminder of the past. The same gatekeeping and exclusion were not only back, but thanks to rise of social media, more obnoxious than ever, and with a new name: #AltGames. Patently false accusations of “identity erasure” and “cultural appropriation” levied by someone with a very obvious ax to grind, causing days of in-fighting and ridiculous drama that only served to make Twitter completely unusable for almost a week. Lots of people got hurt. None of whom deserved it in the least. Developers got demoralized, myself included. Why the fuck would I would want to make games now? The same shit that drove me away years ago is back, now joined hand-in-hand with literal terrorists.

You would think being attacked by Gamergate would put a little more perspective in everyone’s head. That, actually, we’re not all that different, after all. But lol, no, no, that is not the case. All it did was give people with a very clear agenda some ammo to right perceived wrongs and make a name for yourself at the expense of others. “I hate Zoe Quinn” and “Buy all my shit on itch.io, you retard” were couched in the same social justice verbiage that would be used for something like #BlackLivesMatter or #EverydaySexism. Long winded “thinkpieces” were written following this shitstorm, heavily implying a racial element was at work if you gave any support, morally or monetarily, to Quinn. One of these was written by someone who works with and associates with a woman who has repeatedly denied Trans people their own voices, so you know these were written in good faith, and not “give me and my friends money instead of that other bitch, who totally took credit for the work of PoCs no don’t actually read the article just take my word for it thanks.”

A few days ago, Alt Games came back and stirred the fucking pot again, siccing their large following on people for no real reason. Well, there was a real reason: Zoe Quinn was in the news again, due to her being featured in a documentary about indie game developers. Said documentary is also currently getting its Steam page brigaded by Gamergate shitheads, so naturally, a lot of people are talking about this. Someone with a massive hate-boner for this woman cannot stand the fact that she is not the center of attention, and everyone gets to pay the price. A lot of people have gone offline, or made their social media accounts private so they can either get away from, or prevent getting swarmed by Anime Twitter and a jealous game dev.

Something that drove me away from games, aside from all the bullshit I mentioned earlier, was that the games themselves were not important anymore. They’ve taken a backseat to this soap opera meta-game of petty grudges and power plays. “What you’ve made” is now “who do you hate?” At least in Pro Wrestling, all this drama will lead to a cage match. Here, it just leads to a headache and an update to your Twitter block list.

And of course, while I’m writing all of this, these assholes are trying to curry the favor of Kotaku In Action, a Gamergate hangout. I’m so fucking glad that the video games industry can literally make a profit from their hatred and harassment of an abuse victim whose only crimes were “dating a scumbag” and “making a game 4chan didn’t like.”

Fuck it. I think maybe I’ll get back into writing about music or wrestling. Maybe actually sit down and hash out fiction ideas. Because this isn’t worth it.

It’s been almost a month and #AltGames is still a joke

There’s a reason I stopped giving a shit about Independent Games years ago: you’re all idiots.

Hello dipshits your indie clique is run by a woman with a ridiculous, petty jealously towards Zoe Quinn’s notoriety and is motivated by this to manufacture controversy (see example: “Punk Games”) that causes severe in-fighting and further marginalize other minorities who just want to make games, and you’re all a bunch of marks willing to be worked by her.

Fetishism

There’s something that’s been bugging me a lot lately. I mean, it’s something that has always bugged me, but now, with me and my whole gender thing, it’s becoming more and more disgusting, and more and more aggravating.

Trans Fetishism.

Now, this isn’t me complaining about people finding Trans people attractive, or folks liking mine, or other peoples, nudes or cranking your rod to a Bailey Jay video or whatever. That’s normal. I’m talking about all those creepy “sissyfication” blogs. Slug-men sending you incomprehensible messages about fembois, shecocks, BBCs (not to be confused with the television network), or whatever the fuck these weirdos come up with. Have you ever actually seen this shit? Like, images with weird ass captions about “being a good girl for big black dick” or “hypnosis” videos about also “being a good girl for big black dick.” It always goes back to this bizarre fetishism of race and gender, where Black men are these savage sex machines and women, or in this case, sissy boys, are subservient Real Dolls that can cook and clean.

Let me make this clear:

  • There is nothing wrong with having sex with Black people, so you can fuck right off with your racism.
  • There is nothing wrong with being a woman, so you can fuck right off with your misogyny.
  • There is nothing wrong with being Trans, so you can fuck right off with your transphobia.
  • Just fuck off.

I don’t like having to log in to a social media website and see that trannyguy86 is now following me. Although I guess it’s better than the alternative; trannyguy86 following a woman in real life. But it still pisses me off. Like, this is my fucking life here. I am a woman. That’s me. This isn’t a fetish or some sex thing; I don’t put on makeup and women’s clothes so I can get a boner and go jack off. I’m not a trap, or a sissy, or a femboy, or a shemale, or a tranny, or whatever degrading term you want to use. I don’t post pictures of myself for you, you creeps. I do it because, now that I’ve begun figuring out who I am, I’m becoming more and more confident in how I look. That’s something I want to share with others. Whether I’m wearing a Macho Man Randy Savage t-shirt that nobody picks up the irony of, or if I’ve got my dick hanging out, that’s something I want the world to see. Notice how I didn’t say the underworld. Take note, losers.

And if you’re going to write sexed up prose about us for your caption blog, at least learn how to fucking writing first. Jesus Christ.

Not Safe For Work

I’m going to post more perverted stuff on here. Because hey, this is my blog. I own it, I pay for it, I can post whatever the fuck I want.

So I got naked and snapped some pics. Take a look!

And an apology: I was a little pre-occupied with the camera and the lighting, as you can tell by the slightly stern look on my face. As such, my dong ended up being a floppy jalopy because I couldn’t focus on putting my best foot forward, so to speak. Sorry about that. Hopefully what you see is still good enough.

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Being flirtatious online

Today is just one of those days, man. Too many gorgeous people on my social media feeds being gorgeous, and I have to flirt and hit on (terribly, I should add) every single one of them. My gosh darned libido is on fire, and everyone has got to know about it. The cure for this is just watch some porn and play some vid cons afterwards (may do a blog post about what I’m playing; haven’t done one of those in forever).

And out of everyone, there’s this one boy that just drove me absolutely insane. He’s really cute, and just so damn pure and innocent. Which is funny, because he’s not really young or anything; he’s only a few years younger than me. I just see him being so adorable, and I just want to corrupt that boy. Introduce him to all sorts of weird sex things and make him as much of a fucked up pervert as I am.

In the meantime, though, I’ll just have to settle for Twitter.

Late Night Ramble

I’m finally getting around to listening to Against Me! after pretty much living under a rock regarding punk music for the last several years. I figured I would listen to Laura Jane Grace as a form of solidarity, you know?

And suddenly, out of nowhere, I just got hit with this chest-tightening sense of existentialist dread and gender dysphoria. I’ve mentioned before not liking to look at old photos of myself, or having to my use legal name in my day-to-day life. Fuck, what if I had to go through all this shit being a notable celebrity in the public eye? Having transphobic media figures constantly misgendering me, deadnaming me, and telling the world at large that I’m some circus freak, in addition to all the internal struggles I have is something I don’t think I could handle. Just thinking about it was absolutely terrifying; living it would probably kill me.

Score Competition

It’s been a long time since I’ve set up a high score competition. Maybe 2013? If that? So I thought I would do a new one. One for a game that, despite having an amazing score system, doesn’t really get a lot of play in “caravans” for one reason or another.

And it’s a hell of a game, to boot! Better than any shmup you may have played recently. Lots of deliberate, high-level strategy going in. There used to be a saying: “The Thinking Man’s Game!” That’s this. A thinking persons vid con. Joe Sixpacks need not apply!

All that being said, are you tired of being strung along? Sick of this anticipation? Ready to find out what you’re going to compete in? Well, hold on to your genitals, folks, because here it is!

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