The goal of my dream was still the same (find my old friend), but with the added challenge of shooting monsters hell-bent on killing me. The only aid I got, other than what weapons I could find, was Jack Nicholson appearing via several different monitors throughout the building. Of course, the only thing he did was repeatedly call me a faggot whenever I looked at one of the monitors. And I still couldn’t get in touch with my old friend, naturally.

I don’t know. I thought it was kind of funny, I guess, so I wrote it down. Plus it just really made me want to hurry up and get a copy of Resident Evil 6 already.

It begins with me having to enter a large building. This building is either an office, a school, a store, an arcade, or sometimes more than one of those. My goal is to find someone; an old friend that I haven’t seen in years. She’s holed up in a room somewhere, and to get there I need to navigate a series of stairwells, elevators, and/or long hallways. These places are always crowded, with people striking up conversations with me. Not wanting to be rude, I talk to them all for a time. The idea of asking for directions never crosses my mind at any time.

It changes every night, but I run into a woman during my investigation. She’ll either be my partner at my old job (an air-headed blonde covered in regrettable tattoos), or an early-twenties stoner from outside the US who only ever talks about music (a slightly overweight redhead who only wears black tanktops). She’ll help me out in my journey, or so I think; after several minutes, we’ll be back where we began, and she’ll beg me to introduce her to my mother.

Eventually, I leave them all behind, and spend the rest of my time going through the long halls, taking the elevators, climbing the stairs, until I finally reach my destination. But there’s always an obstruction when I get there: a locked door, a sudden rush of people, an invisible force pulling me away, or just the woman I’m looking for not looking at or responding to me when I call her name.

And that’s where everything ends.

I learned that if somebody doesn’t like your shitty, gross, juvenile as fuck artwork, you can all but call them a faggot, issue an incredibly half-assed, “I’m sorry you were offended” apology after you get called out on it, receive zero disciplinary action despite bringing bad publicity to the company in which you are employed, and have legions of idiot fucker nerds calming and cooing you, reminding you that you are the good guy, and it’s just those horrible feminists and homosexuals ruining it for everybody else because Jesus Christ there are not enough Big Titty Anime Babes for the world to jerk their weird smelly boners to.

Burn all Vid Cons, Now and Forever.

“Hi, I’m Tommy Lasorda. I disowned my AIDS-infected son and refused to visit him in the hospital while he was dying. Please play my new Vid Con, available only on Sega Genesis. Sega Does What Nintendon’t.”

Over 1,500 people on Tumblr would rather look at at a crappy, cropped, zoomed in version of this animated gif than the real deal I put together. I’m posting the original here because a) I fucking made it and b) you get a larger version here since Tumblr has a ridiculous restriction of 500 pixels wide for animated images.

Also, of all the things to rip off from me, you pick Download? A boring, by the numbers shooting game whose only real notable feature are its funny game over messages? Really?

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